Confusion
by AllyBallyBee
Summary: New chapter up. Sorry for the confusion over Chapter 6. Cal wouldn't have made things that easy though...he's back now!
1. Confusion

Disclaimer: I can't say I wouldn't like to but unfortunately I don't own them.

***

He had returned, exhausted, to his apartment hoping to divulge in the enjoyment of a bottle of Whiskey. Walking past his answering machine, recognising the flashing red light of a waiting message, he pressed play. And it was then that he heard her voice, flat in resonance, monotonous in tone.

"Hi Cal. Its Gillian. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm going to be taking a couple of days off...maybe a week. I'm not sure yet. I need some time to...I haven't had a holiday in a while so...anyway, I'll be in touch when I'm planning on getting back. I've already told Loker and Torres so they'll be happy to help with the workload whilst I'm gone. Leave all the budget work and I'll sort it out when I get back. I'll speak to you...I'll be in touch. Okay...bye"

On hearing her voice he had halted in his journey towards the kitchen, quieting his footsteps in order to hear the full extent of her message. He wanted to dismiss her tone as fatigue-induced, hoping that she was merely exhausted, as he was, from their round-trip to Vegas. Yet, her hesitant message and her attempts at sounding nonchalant were more than enough for him to realise that tiredness was far from the reason for her jumbled message.

Returning to the side table where the phone machine lay, he pressed re-dial, hoping that by talking to her he would be able to discern further reasons for her intended absence. It rang the allotted number of times and then proceeded to her answering machine. _Strange_, he thought, knowing beyond doubt that she had gone straight home for the airport. Considering going to her place to check that everything was okay, he picked up the car keys that he had dropped by the phone machine. And then he remembered her quiet dismissal that she had given him at the airport when he had offered an invitation to dinner.

"_I'm tired Cal, I just need to get some sleep."_

At the time, he had thought nothing of her words, noticing the tight stretch of her skin around her eyes but immediately putting it down to tiredness rather than thinking of any other factors. Now, he felt there might have been something more to her dismissal. And he didn't know what to do about it. Go to her home and risk a sleepy Gillian Foster slamming the door in his face in response to his concerns? Or take the chance that something was wrong and inciting her ire at his inevitably incessant questioning until he found the reason?

He chose to wait until the morning, too often he had been on the receiving end of Gillian Foster's glare of annoyance at one of his many late night visits to her apartment and it was the last thing he wanted to provoke in her or put on himself. _Plus_, he thought to himself, _if something was really wrong, she would know to phone him, wouldn't she?_

***

He awoke restless the next morning, wondering for the umpteenth time what Gillian's message had meant, what had led her to leave such a jumbled message and, more worryingly, what had led her to take time off of work-something that she had failed to do in previous years when parts of her life had been crumbling around her feet...Sophie, Alec...

For someone who excelled in the reading of people's emotions, their lies, their deflections, he couldn't understand why it was taking him so much to discern Gillian's motives.

And yet, he recognised the whisper of a ghost in the recesses of his mind, something that lay just out-with his grasp that he knew had something to do with Gillian. He just couldn't quite reach it and his night of broken sleep provided evidence to that.

Lifting himself to a sitting position on his bed, scrubbing his hands over his stubble-ridden cheeks, he focused on the image of her face. Hoping that something would trigger an answer.

Starting with an image of her eyes, their expressive blue depths emerging from his subconscious, he focused on how they had looked in the past few days, what messages he had received from them when he had been attempting to focus on the contestants of the game. He remembered annoyance at his endless declarations that she was smothering him (_but she knew that was a joke, didn't she?_); jealousy when he had started his incessant and persistent flirting with Poppy (_it had certainly been fun, intriguing, interesting to his academic eye, to have someone to spar with who was almost as good as him at lie manipulation...surely Foster had recognised that, just as she had recognised his desire to jump back into his old gambling ways even though he had understood her concern_); poorly masked anger when she had discovered he had slept with Poppy and another look...maybe hurt...although he couldn't understand it, it had been meaningless sex after all, an end to a night of gratuitous indulgence in the many vices available to him in Vegas...(_surely she wasn't upset with him for that..._)...

He swiftly removed his hands from his face, silently cursing his stupidity, his ignorance to and disregard of her feelings...he marvelled at how he had once again managed to live up to his status as the biggest arsehole alive. Not for the first time, he wondered how Foster managed to put up with him, his apparent abuse of their friendship, of her endless supply of second chances. He was going to make this right, at least he was going to _try _and make this right. Remembering past attempts at apologies and his awareness of his ineptitude at self-deprecation, he only hoped that he hadn't done irreparable damage to the one relationship that he counted as second to only his relationship with Emily and that by going to her apartment he wouldn't further exacerbate the situation.

It was worth the try.

***


	2. And the Clouds Clear

Disclaimer: I still don't own them!

***

"What the hell"..."I mean, what does she..."..."What did she mean...", he realised he was mumbling, he also couldn't quite figure out why a full sentence seemed to be eluding him. And yet, he still wasn't fully aware of the answers he had been searching for prior to him leaving his house.

He still didn't know why she had left the message she had nor why, he now recognised, she had been hurt by his actions in Vegas. He knew...at least he thought he knew...and yet, he needed to hear why from her. He wasn't going to allow his confusion and second-guessing to be another reason for her to be in any way annoyed or angry or..._damaged_...by him. He had already done enough; he had known that for a while now. As had she, he was sure.

And that was the reason that he was driving, he assumed erratically (although at 5 in the morning, he didn't think a lot of people would be awake to notice), towards her apartment. He thought back to the previous night when his late-night visit to her house had been taken off the table as an option. He wasn't sure when it had been put back on or why he thought 5am was better than 12am but it was back on and it was better...somehow. Or at least he was hoping she would think it was.

Pulling up outside her front door, he turned off the engine, desperately hoping that this decision wouldn't make it all a little worse.

***

After knocking twice he considered going back on his decision. He thought she maybe hadn't been home after all although he couldn't think of anyone..._Reynolds_...

The door finally opened and the breath that he had been holding even considering the chance that she was anywhere but in her own bed was slowly released. She looked shattered and not for the first time he really wondered whether he should have thought this through more.

"Hey..." she hadn't quite managed to form words yet and he thought it only fair that he start what he hoped would be a worthy and fruitful conversation.

"Cal...what the..." for a second he thought she was going to use one of the choice words that he seldom heard her use, words which were far more suited to his vocabulary, "what are you doing here?" She rubbed her eyes, looking for a second like a young child who had been removed prematurely from the comfort of her bed. She stood there, resting lightly against the door and he wasn't entirely sure whether she would let him cross the threshold until she carefully stepped back and extended her arm backwards, quietly allowing him entrance.

He moved past her and entered the darkness of her home, once again realising the earliness of the hour. As he turned back to check that she was following him into her living room he noticed (he was amazed that this was the first time he had) that she was only wearing a pair of low slung pyjama bottoms and a snugly fitting white tank top. He hoped she hadn't noticed his less than subtle appraisal of her bed-wear; this was hardly the time for one of his base offhand remarks.

"Sit down Cal, you're making me nervous standing waiting for me like that. This isn't the first time you've been here" her tone left him without any doubt that she was pissed. Every part of him wished that she would just tell him why; he had never been very good at this 'talking things out' thing. She brushed past him and in any other circumstance he thought that he would have probably moved into her personal space; they had been doing that more and more recently...getting closer to each other and he realised for maybe the first time that he wasn't just meaning spatially either. Damn, he was stupid.

She sat down on the furthest away couch, leaving him the rest of the floor space to pick his seat. She was giving him the choice but he knew it meant more than that, that she was allowing him the opportunity to pick what stage the conversation was going to start. If he hadn't been so worried about where he was going to start, he would have mentioned something about her over-analysing the situation and trying to control it too much. Neither of those remarks would have been too welcome he was sure. He moved to sit next to her, not touching, but close enough to hear her breathe, to smell the lemon scent from her hair; he wanted to be able to reach her if it was necessary.

"Foster...Gill...I got your message" she turned to face him, crossing her arms across her chest, defensive. He could tell this wasn't going to be easy. "I just wanted to come here and make sure everything was okay?" He thought starting with something non-committal might help.

"At 5 in the morning Cal? That's a bit much, even for you. It's fine...I'm fine." Her arms remained crossed over her chest but he was wondering now if that wasn't a bit because she only had a thin piece of material separating him from her bare skin.

"Okay. Listen, I'm not here just for the message. I mean, I am but its more about Vegas and what happened and what I did and what...I'm rambling, love, you know what that means" he raised his eyes to hers, hoping to catch them so as to convey his weak attempt at humour. He was flailing a bit and was desperate for her to provide him with enough rope to hold onto; hopefully not enough that he would then hang himself.

She met his gaze, allowing a little humour to reach her eyes but not so much that he knew he was out of the woods yet. She had always been too kind to him.

"It's just...and I'm not trying to excuse myself here...but you know what I've always been like in Vegas. We knew it before we left and I know I promised not to gamble or do anything I usually do but I'm like a dog with a bone around the betting crowd, I can't help it."

"You think this is about the gambling? Cal, I wasn't really annoyed about the bets. Do you really think I'm that much of a nag? Except for the million, I nearly killed you when I saw you at the roulette table but...do you really think this was just about the gambling? Really?" Her look of pure incredulity scared him a little and his mind automatically went into overdrive, desperately searching for something more intelligible to say. She had positioned her head to the side and the way she was looking at him reminded him of the time he had told his primary teacher that he hadn't been responsible for the theft of their annual exam.

"I...yes, I thought it was mostly to do with the gambling" He felt honesty was the best policy in that moment. "Or to be honest, I hoped it was mostly the gambling"

"God, for someone so bright you really are dim sometimes Cal Lightman. Who do you think I am? Do you think I'm some warped version of a strict disciplinarian that is bent on ruining your fun? Do you think that I was, how did you put it...smothering you, just to be that person who refuses to let you live a little when you're in Vegas? Do you remember that little incident with Poppy?" He didn't really know what to say. Through the course of her interrogation she had risen from the chair and was now pacing behind the couch that they had been sitting on and he was desperately trying to catch her eye or see her face fully so that he could determine what she was feeling. He knew she hated when he read her, knew there was a line, but he was feeling at an unusual loss. How he was sure Eli Loker would have liked to have seen him now, struggling to read what must have been the clearest of emotions on his partner's face.

"I'm sorry about Poppy, Gill. It was a stupid decision at the end of a stupid night of my usual indulgence and I didn't do it to hurt you. I didn't mean to make...sorry, I mean, I didn't mean to allow you to lost your trust in me" He knew it wasn't enough, knew she deserved more but he was hoping she would sit down and allow him a minute to think. He just needed a minute.

She stopped pacing, placing her hand on the back of the couch. Quietly, without raising her eyes to meet his, she moved around to his side of the couch and re-took her seat.

"I didn't lose trust in you, Cal. You sleeping with someone else doesn't make me lose _trust _in you. I know it was just sex. I know she was just an insignificant part of your old self who seemed to make such a remarkable reappearance over this weekend. I know all of that. I'm not some stupid teenager that doesn't think you're a man who has...needs." She looked marginally disgusted at herself for putting it out there. Or maybe she was disgusted at him; his powers of deduction really seemed to be thrown off course. He inwardly marvelled at the effect her mood had on him. "But have you not even considered the possibility that you, just you, not necessarily your actions, made me just a little hurt? A little upset? Hmm?" He noticed then the tears in her eyes and felt his stomach clench. He hated making this woman cry. "Because Cal, if you honestly don't... and maybe you really don't...then maybe you're not as good at reading people as you think you are or maybe it's just taken me this amount of time to hide everything that makes me _me _from you" She moved to brush a tear from her eye and he ached to move his hand to her cheek.

He reached across the space between them and took her hand in his, hoping that the simple act of touching her would imbue as much sincerity into his words even if his tone of voice and his facial features didn't.

"Gill...it's always been hard for me to admit I've been wrong. You know that about me, darling. It never has been one of my strengths. But here I am, admitting that everything about this weekend, everything that I said, everything that I did, everything...just everything...was wrong. And I'm more sorry about that than I've ever been about anything else. When I said you were smothering me, it wasn't because I wanted you to stop. How do you think I would get by on a daily basis if you weren't there, by my side, ready to pick me up whenever I do something wrong. And let's face it, love, it doesn't take much for me to do something or say something wrong. This weekend is only one in a long line of examples of that. When I was gambling, part of me was honestly doing it to see how far I could push you into not caring. Apparently I'm an arsehole and I shouldn't be pushing you anywhere, never-mind further away from me. And as for sleeping with Poppy..."

"It's okay Cal, you don't have to explain that to me. You're a guy, she's a woman. It happens." She attempted a laugh but it sounded more like a strangled sob and the endeavour to invoke humour failed to reach her eyes.

"No, I do love. I slept with her because she was there. Because wrongly or rightly, it was a little bit exciting. To have someone to spar with a bit, to test out my knowledge. But, and I mean this with every fibre of my being, it didn't mean even a tenth as much as it does just sitting here holding your hand. It never would."

He moved his hand to lightly lift her chin, gently forcing her eyes to meet his. Although watery, he could see the relief in them, almost detect a degree of happiness.

"I'm sorry. I'm an arsehole and you're too good to me and you're too good _for _me. And I can't promise that I will never hurt you again...I am Cal Lightman after all, prick extraordinaire who is more than likely to put a foot out of place probably in the next sentence never mind tomorrow or the next day...but I promise you right now that I won't ignore it again. I won't try to hide behind whatever is available. You're my best friend, my partner, my...well, you're a big part of my world, love and I intend to keep it that way, okay?"

She nodded, lifting her hand to cover his own that was now positioned just above her jawline, running the pad of his thumb along her cheekbone.

"Okay" she whispered.

He shifted forward on the couch, slowly moving into her personal space, relishing in the fact that it was okay to do this again. Moving his hand to cup the back of her head, he slowly placed a gentle kiss at the side of her mouth.

He made to move backwards when she turned her mouth towards his and covered his slightly parted lips with her own. Although shocked, he was enjoying the warmth of her full lips that seemed to sit perfectly between his own and when he felt her tongue press against his top lip, almost as if asking for permission, he allowed it entry. Twisting with his own, he wondered why they had never done this before, why he had never thought that this would have been a good idea.

But those questions were for another time. And as he slowly held more of her in his arms, still feeling the quivering muscles in her back from her quiet sobs, he thought that maybe questions were over-rated. Maybe answers were all that were necessary. At least they were all that was necessary in getting him to this point, Gillian Foster in his arms and a final understanding of what it really meant to have her in his life.

*** 


	3. A New Step

**WARNING: There are adult themes within this story. Just so you know! **

**Thank-you to all those that took the time to review the last two chapters...the encouragement provided me with the incentive to write this! Hope it lives up to the expectations.**

***

She had never felt this close to Cal Lightman; she had never _been _this close to him. Her legs were snugly wrapped around his waist, her arms linked around his neck. As he carried her towards her bedroom, she wondered whether she would have been able to predict his early morning visit ending like this. His tongue was twisting, linking with her own, each of them exploring, seeking new ways to experience the other. He tasted exquisite; she could never have imagined that _this _would be so perfect.

And she couldn't do it anymore. It was too perfect, too...much.

"Cal..." she whispered, leaning back in his arms and watching his eyes slowly re-gain focus on hers.

"What, love? What's wrong?" he said as he slowly licked his lips and allowed her to un-wrap herself from him and return to stable ground.

"Nothing...nothing. I just...if I keep going then I won't be able to stop and..."

"You see that as a problem?" he started to move towards her again, pulling her closer so that his mouth came to rest against her neck. "I don't think this is a problem, love"

"Cal" she put as much certainty into her voice as she could muster whilst still feeling his lips brush infuriatingly soft circles on her neck. "I'm serious. I don't think I can handle this being the way that we end this night. You came here to apologise, you did that and I forgive you. And I'm honestly okay. But, and I mean this without wanting you to over-think it, I need some time. I realise this is ironic coming from the woman that just had you up against a wall but you've always known you could get me..." she attempted to instil some level of humour into her voice.

He had slowly removed himself from her personal space, his shoulders rounding slightly as he moved from one foot to the other.

"Okay. Just one question, what exactly do you want, darling? I mean, you were here with me this past couple of minutes and I think you know that we were both enjoying the moment. Weren't we?"

"I think you know I was, Cal." She smiled briefly, hoping to convey the sincerity that she felt, "I just need some time to think. It's been a long weekend and I want to figure out what this all means before we take it to a point of no return. You're my best friend and I hope I'm yours. But doing..._this_...means making a lot of changes and I think we both need to figure out whether we're ready for that. I'm going to take this week off. I've got a couple of things to do anyway and it'll give us both some time to think. Okay"

"If that's what you want then you know I'll do it. I made a promise to you, pet. And I'm not going to spoil it by breaking it....this soon anyway" she raised her eyes to meet his, inquisitively, "I was kidding, love. I'll go. It's just going to take a while to get that image out of my head...hmmm" he slowly moved backwards, raising his eyes toward the ceiling.

"Haha, very funny, Cal. Stop it"

"Hmm, Cal, don't stop" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around himself in a pitiful attempt at imitating Gillian.

"Cal!" she slapped his arm playfully, glad that their friendly banter hadn't been irrevocably changed after their little tryst.

He stopped, reaching his hand out towards hers. Suddenly looking serious, she was worried that she had made a mistake.

"Take the time off that you want. I'll be there when you need me, okay?"

He squeezed her hand, opening her front door. As he made to move down the front steps, he turned towards her,

"You're much more than my best friend, Gill, have been for a while now. It's just taken me this past weekend to realise that. Don't take too long."

Closing the door behind him, Gillian was left standing in her empty hallway, a slow feeling of warmth spreading throughout her body, leaving her arms covered in goose-bumps, a sure sign that sleep was going to be far from easy when she returned to her bed.

***


	4. Time

**Sorry for the space between these two chapters, have had a lot on at work recently! Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: As much as I hate to admit it, these writings are not for profit and I don't own Lie To Me.**

*******

She had cleaned the house. Twice. She had re-arranged her cupboards so that their contents were arranged alphabetically. She had cleaned her fridge out; making time to eat a tub of Ben & Jerry's 'Half Baked' with the sole aim of staving off the bout of boredom that had consumed her since she had woken the day after Cal's visit. She had caught up on emails that she had putting off for months due to her recent workload; catching up with friends that she was almost sure had forgotten what she looked like. She had thought about phoning some of them to arrange a lunch or a dinner but for now, she wanted to sort out her house; she didn't need any clutter in her life right now.

Most importantly, she had made the conscious effort to go through the remainder of Alec's belongings, deciding what she could send onto him and what she could get rid of. She had been putting the task off since she had moved, choosing to place the boxes in the far recesses of her storage cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. Sitting in front of them that morning, she had wondered why she had been so anxious about looking at them; why it had taken her so long to finalise the decision she had made in leaving him. Sifting through the photos, the clothes, the books, the random assortment of ornaments, she had been surprised at how devoid of feelings she had been.

She had expected to feel some kind of pain, some kind of sadness. Instead, all she could feel was a sense of relief at the finality of the action. It felt like she was finally closing a portion of her life that had been, at times, wonderful, at others, disastrous. When she had dropped the pile of belongings at the Salvation Army drop earlier that morning, it had been the lightest she had felt in, if she was entirely honest with herself, more than a year. The proverbial weight that she had been carrying around with her had finally been removed.

Sitting in her living room, a cup of hot chocolate keeping her hands warm, she was surprised to feel tears spring to her eyes. She lifted her hand to wipe the first few away and then realised it was a useless chore; they were falling too fast for her to keep up. It was then she realised that she hadn't allowed herself the freedom of tears; not since Cal had decided that 5am had been appropriate visiting hours but they had been for different reasons. Instead, she knew that these tears were a means of relief for the manner in which she had been holding herself since her divorce. She had been tightly wrapping herself in work to such an extent that she had forgotten what it was like to breathe without feeling her chest hurt with the pressure.

She let herself go.

***

It was a little while before she realised that the tears had stopped. But she chose to sit; it had been too long since she had allowed herself time for quiet reflection. Taking deep breaths, she allowed her lungs to fill with air. It felt wonderful.

***

She had watched four films, choosing those that required as little mental interaction as possible. She had wanted this time for relaxation and she was loathe to give that up.

Approaching the DVD player in order to put on the next film in her chosen pile, her eye caught her reflection in the lighted window. Her hair sat haphazardly around her face, half out of the rushed pony tail that she had fashioned that morning. Wearing a pair of loose sweatpants, a white t-shirt and a baggy cardigan, she thanked the Gods that she wasn't expecting any visitors. She wondered what Cal must have thought when he had arrived and seen her in similar clothing.

She caught herself smiling at her reflection, remembering what it had felt like to be in Cal Lightman's arms. A ball of excitement fizzled in her stomach and she couldn't help but shiver at the memory of his hand resting lightly at the small of her back, firmly holding her in place whilst his mouth had exquisitely explored her own. Once again she found her arms react to the memory, instantly covered in goose-bumps. She took a deep breath, attempting to still her suddenly thumping heart.

She had always known that she couldn't get enough of Cal Lightman: his intellect, his charm, his brash off-handed remarks that had always driven her up the wall but which she couldn't help but secretly smirk at when he wasn't looking, the way in which he stood well within her personal space no matter how unwelcoming she was (but which she had secretly always loved because it allowed her to smell the aftershave that she had always found irresistible), his incessant need to be right and to constantly contradict her even when he eventually realised that she had been in the right, his stubbornness...she realised, not for the first time, that she was overwhelmed by him. He was too much sometimes and he drove her completely crazy but when she remembered how he had been there for her through Alec, through the endless disappointment of attempting to conceive, through the adoption process, through...losing...Sophie, she couldn't help but feel a subtle warmth spread through her body. Couldn't help but want to be right next to him in that moment so that she could show him exactly how grateful she was.

She shivered. It wasn't the time to be thinking about being next to him; she had promised herself, for good reason that she would take the time to think. And she needed to do that.

No matter how much she wanted to drive round to his apartment and just...breathe.

***

**All of your reviews help my writing immensely so let me know what you think!**


	5. New Level of Appreciation

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

*******

It's been a week and she's tired of looking at the same four walls. She's bored of cleaning and re-cleaning and re-arranging her entire apartment.

More than that, she's tired of her own thoughts. Of thinking and re-thinking everything to do with Cal. Of what she feels (although she's never had any doubt); what she wants to happen (even though she knew what she wanted when his lips first came into contact with hers); what it will mean for their friendship if they are to start anything (even though she knows that they are both too responsible to ruin the most solid relationship that either has had in a long time); what it will mean for their working relationship and what Torres and Eli will think (although she's pretty sure that absolutely nothing about their prospective relationship would have anything to do with their subordinates, at least from Cal's point of view). Her analytical mind was pretty close to shutting down completely if she didn't stop.

She jumped up from the couch, knowing what she needed to do.

***

It had been a week and there hadn't been a passing moment when he hadn't thought about her. It was driving him up the bloody wall.

Not because he didn't want her to be in his thoughts; he wasn't complaining about the passing images of her that kept flitting across his mind's eye like a projector show. A beautiful projector show.

But it was driving him more than insane that she had essentially banned him from seeing her.

He understood her need for time. Hell, he needed the time to figure it all out. That didn't stop him from wanting her to be right next to him. He could think whilst she was there, _it wasn't like he hadn't done it before_, he thought to himself sulkily.

He knew he was being illogical but he missed seeing her on a daily basis. Each morning that he walked into the office and remembered that she wouldn't be gracing them with her presence he almost considered turning around and going right home. After all, what use was he without her to balance his tendency to over compensate every situation with dry sarcasm and bitter incredulity?

The only thing that made the situation more survivable was the enjoyment he was getting out of taking his sour mood out on his two subordinates. Torres and Loker were more than taking the brunt of his mood that was in no small relation to the hole that was being left by Foster's absence.

He could only hope that she had already decided what she would like to do and would be coming to see him sooner rather than later.

For his sake, although he was sure that Loker and Torres would be delighted at her return as well; if only if it would stop his endless barrage of pointless tasks that he was asking them to do.

***

"Ria and Eli tell me you've been sulking for a week now"

He looked up, his heart skipping the first of several beats at seeing her standing at the door to his office, casually leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed over her chest. He allowed his eyes to slowly move over the tightly fitting red dress that she was wearing; taking the time to properly take her all in.

"Cal..." Gillian whispered, her voice only slightly managing to conceal her arousal.

He slowly brought his eyes to rest on her face, taking pleasure in the slight flush of her cheeks and the way in which she was attempting to avert her gaze from his.

"Yes, love?" He knew he was being mischievous but he had always enjoyed his ability to make her squirm. And he enjoyed it even more now that he knew she was far from the shy, reserved woman that she had always put herself across as, or at least attempted to put herself across as.

Closing the door behind her, she slowly walked towards him and he found it increasingly hard to drag his eyes away from her swaying hips. Part of him was glad that he was standing behind his desk.

She came to stand on the other side of his desk, resting her hands on the table and leaning forward slightly, allowing him a glimpse of the black lace slip that she was wearing beneath her dress.

He was finding it hard to breathe; the smell of her perfume only making it harder for him not to close the distance between them and take her in his arms.

"Cal..." she repeated. He reluctantly pulled his gaze away from her body to seek out her eyes. The smirk in them allowed him to see exactly what her intention had been in coming closer to him; he had taught her the act of revenge well. Touché.

Holding his gaze, she slowly reached her hand out towards his, seeking the contact.

"Hey..."

"Hey. I didn't think I'd be seeing you for another week or so?" he questioned.

"I was going crazy sitting at home, I'm not used to taking all that time off work. You know what I'm like"

"Yeh, I do" he replied. She'd always thought that there were parts of herself that she kept hidden from everyone, including Cal. She was slowly realising that he hadn't missed one thing.

"Plus, I think if I thought this" she moved her hand between the two of them, leaving him no doubt as to what she was referring, "through anymore then I was going to start being as derogatory towards psycho-analysing as you are" She raised her eyes to meet his and let out a small laugh.

"Must have been bad if you were almost becoming as cynical as I am, love"

"Not bad, just a lot to think about. It's been a long year, Cal, and I didn't want to rush into anything without wondering if this was all about everything that's happened this year. It's a big deal"

"Listen, if this past week are anything to go by then it's a _huge_ deal. Just ask Torres and Loker. They've bared the brunt for a lot of my...tension...this week"

"So I've been hearing. I'm sure they're glad they've got me back then"

"Back? You've still got another week to take if you want it. We're fine here...really, we..."

"Cal" She stopped him with her eyes, insisting that he listen to her. "I know more than anyone that _this _only works because we're both in it together. We need..."

"Well I certainly need you, love." He took her hand and began to run small circles in her palm, watching her face as he did so, trying to take in as much of her reaction as he could. He was never going to get bored of seeing her react to him.

"Cal" she pulled her hand away, her eyes quickly reassuring him that she wasn't pulling away for good, "I need to say this without you...distracting me, okay?"

He nodded but he couldn't help but feel slightly bereft at the loss of contact. Only a week into _this _and he was already a goner.

"I think we've both known for a while now that this partnership only works if we're doing it all together. We balance each other out and it works. You only have to look at the myriad of cases that we've solved to know that. But beyond that, it works because I think we both care about each other." She breathed in, allowing herself a moment to collect her thoughts; she needed to say this properly. "You've been there for me a lot, Cal and I appreciate it more than I'll ever be able to tell you. I only hope that I've been there enough for you; maybe I've shut you out at some points but I hope you know I've let you in enough to be the best friend I've ever had. And because you're my best friend, you piss me off" He arched his eyebrows, once again shocked into hearing her use words that he thought were far from her vocabulary. "Don't look so shocked, Cal, I'm not that innocent. And you do. Piss me off I mean. I think that's one of the things that we maybe need to deal with at some point. Not now but one day."

"I know, love. I'm never going to be able to apologise enough for the things I've said to you, especially last weekend. I knew I was being hurtful at the time, I just didn't know how to stop. Not a problem when I'm dealing with a client but I don't mean it to be the same for you"

"Cal, it's okay. Really. We're past last weekend, it's in the past and we don't have to think about it again, okay? I'm not one to hold grudges. I just think there are things that we need to deal with together"

"Together?"

"Yes, Cal, together."

"Alright, I can do that. So what does that mean for now? Do we just go back to the way things were or...what?"

"I don't think I can go back to the way things were, Cal. For one thing, I don't think I'm going to be able to sit on my couch without imagining my legs wrapped around you, or look at that bit of wall outside my bedroom without imagining you holding me up against it. And I don't have enough money right now to buy a new apartment..." she looked up at him and smirked.

He slowly moved around the desk, catching her eye and silently asking her whether it was okay to close the distance. He marvelled at how he often over-looked the way in which they could communicate without words; it was a skill but he knew it was more to do with who they were rather than their practical understandings of the human character.

He reached her side of the desk, keeping a small distance between them. He found it hard not to lean into her and close the gap.

"Well if we don't go back to the way things were, then where do we go from here, love?"

"How about we start something new? Something different from before. A little bit more understanding, a little less reserved; get rid of these lines that we've drawn around ourselves. I'm too tired to stay in this bubble anymore, Cal. I don't know what you think but I've been pushing at these lines more and more recently and last week showed me what the other side holds. I want the other side, Cal." She moved towards him, reaching her hands up to lie on his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath her palm. "I want to be able to do this more" She reached her arms up around his neck and slowly began to press the length of her body against his. "And I want it to be okay to do this"

"Love, I'm more than okay with you doing this but I have to warn you that if you keep doing this then it's not going to be long before I want to start doing other things as well" His voice was gruff with arousal and he made no attempt to hide it. She had seldom seen him so open to her and it was in that moment that she realised they really had started something new.

She pressed her lips gently against his neck and then moved her mouth to his ear, "How about we do those things now, rather than later?" she whispered.

"Gillian..." he was giving her one last chance to back away, to change her mind, to go back.

"Take me home with you, Cal." Before she knew what was happening, he had her pressed against the wall of his office, his hand resting behind her head and the other sitting at the small of her back; just as before, holding her in place. Looking into her eyes, he gained the approval that he was seeking. Pulling her mouth towards his, he sought the contact he had been thinking about in every waking (and dreaming) hour since he had last seen her. Holding back, he wanted to take it as slowly as his soaring arousal would allow; he wanted to do this properly.

Taking her bottom lip between his own, he slowly ran his tongue along it, waiting for her to make the first contact. His heart fluttered when she instantly opened her mouth to this, allowing his tongue entrance. She tasted like chocolate.

He couldn't get enough of her, wanting more. He reached to her thigh and placed his hand just underneath the material of her dress. She moaned against his mouth and in response, he moved his hand up further, simultaneously pulling her leg up to sit on his hip.

She could feel the full extent of his arousal and she gasped at how ready they were both willing to sprint over the line; if she hadn't been just as aroused then she would have maybe thought that they should be slowing it down. At that moment though, it seemed nigh on impossible and far from what she wanted. What she wanted was in her arms, teasingly pulling her towards a new level of appreciation for Cal Lightman. She only hoped she could respond in kind.

***


	6. Imagining

Disclaimer: I do not and will never own Lie To Me.

A/N: I always thought this would be a happy ending...apparently not. In which case, I warn you and ask you to forgive me!

***

She had always imagined what it would be like to wake up next to Cal Lightman.

In fact, she had imagined it so much that the perfection of the moment had been imprinted on her brain for months, maybe even years.

She had imagined the act of love-making, imagined the spontaneity and thought that it would always be breath-taking, unforgettable.

And it was. Every moment of the night had been what she had thought it would be. Her dreams had been filled with completion. And she had been completed; nothing would have made her more.

Every touch, every gaze, every meeting of their bodies had been more perfect than she had ever imagined in all of her dreams.

He was what she had always thought he would be.

And then she had woken up.

***

She had never doubted Cal's ability to undermine and disappoint her. In fact, she was practically used to that possibility in every aspect of her work, in every aspect of her daily experience of working alongside him and his unnatural and impulsive manner. Had come to almost expect it, to prepare for it. She didn't want to and she had always hoped that maturity and experience and...friendship...would have changed that in him. And then Vegas had happened and she had been proved correct. Every part of her wished she hadn't been; every part of her wished she didn't know Cal Lightman like she knew her own mind.

But she did. She knew him.

And then they had sorted their 'issues'. Or at least, she thought they had. She thought...wished...they had done. Hoped with every fibre of her being that he would change for her...for them.

Yet, as she had always known since her mother had started using the phrase in front of her, leopards never change their spots. Those that act one way will never move in the opposite direction.

She had never thought that words of such imaginary supposition would have applied to the one man that knew her. Knew her completely. And loved her without question.

***

The coldness of the empty pillow lying alongside her own told a different story.

Her heart fell. To where she did not know but its retrieval would be a different story.

***


	7. Going to be okay

Disclaimer: Ain't mine.

A/N: The last chapter caused some confusion and I'm really sorry for that...I'm counting on a happy ending, I just thought that anything to do with Cal and Gillian would be far from easy and a few more twists were inevitable. I hope this chapter makes people a bit happier with me and a little less confused. If not, be sure to let me know!

***

_And if you're willing, please forgive me, I never meant to leave you_- Wire Daisies.

***

As she approached the doors to the Lightman Group, she considered keeping her sunglasses firmly in place: she didn't think that tear stains would suit the clinically white interior of the office. The thought that someone might notice, almost inevitable in a company dedicated to the detection of emotion and body language, made it even more tempting to maintain the barrier. And yet, she also knew that any sign of something being out of the ordinary would, in all likelihood, attract even more attention; especially from her.

She hated it that she was always the good one.

Cal was always so damn good at being the one that was allowed to throw crazy fits, get uncontrollably angry, bark at the nearest available human outlet. She was never allowed; more for the sake of the others and the company's need for staff than for any other reason.

For one moment, in that very second, she wished she was a bit more like him.

She breathed in slowly, releasing the air slowly through her mouth. Taking a step forward, she reached for the door and entered the office.

***

Walking past the front desk, she noticed that Heidi was quickly picking up scraps of paper. She hoped that none of them were for her, she didn't want to have any contact with anyone, solely wishing to get on with her work in a manner of mind-numbing monotony; in the process, forgetting every aspect of the past 24 hours.

"Dr. Foster" No matter how hard she had tried to convince them of its appropriateness, no-one in the office called her Gillian. Part of her disliked the lack of familiarity.

Stopping in her tracks but only slightly turning her head towards her assistant, she waited on whatever messages Heidi had for her.

"Dr. Lightman has called a few times and left you some messages. Would you like me to read them to you or..."

"Just give me them" She held out her hand and hated herself for her tone. It took nothing to be polite and yet she didn't have it in her, she had always taken the time to be nice to everyone; today was just too much for that.

She sensed Heidi's surprise without having to turn and see it in her young eyes. She knew she would have to deal with that at some later stage.

Feeling the pile of papers being placed in her outstretched palm, she closed her hand around them and started the short walk towards her office.

Stopping short, she inhaled slowly, hoping the crack in her voice wouldn't be obvious. "Thank-you, Heidi" she said softly, hoping to put as much apology into her voice as was possible.

"It's okay, Dr. Foster"

Hiding her cringe at the full use of her name (her married one anyway), she continued on her journey, choosing to leave the revelation of Cal's messages until she was sufficiently far enough away from the rest of the staff and their prying eyes.

***

_Call me please, Gill. _

Succinct and to the point, not unlike Cal's tone, it gave nothing away, providing her with no idea or explanation as to why she had awoken that morning to an empty and cold (even though he had only spent one night) bed. She hated him a little bit for it and then realised the stupidity of that feeling considering she knew that an explanation would have been inappropriate in a message transcribed by their assistant-someone who had already proved her deftness at spreading office gossip.

She made to reach for the phone and then thought twice of her action. Why should she provide him with the chance for an explanation when she hadn't been provided with one that morning? When she had to wake up instantly thinking that he had regretted the..._beauty_...of the night they had shared, hoping beyond hope that he had merely gone out for breakfast and would return instantaneously. An hour's wait and a myriad of thoughts later and she had laughed out-loud at her naivety in thinking that he would return to her.

She snorted now at the precious time she had spent thinking up excuses for him that would seem justifiable enough to leave her in the lurch. None of them now seemed in any way legitimate and it only served to make her angrier that she had even attempted to justify his actions.

As she sat in her chair, looking at the small pile of messages that Cal had left for her, she decided that she would spend no more time in thinking about the previous night; it would be relegated to a memory that would require the bottom of a bottle to re-assess.

She threw them into her trash can and turned to her 'in' pile, hoping that an immersion into paperwork would hold off the necessity of dealing with the situation. And Cal.

***

Two hours later and, in her first break, she marvelled at how she had managed to forget the cloud under which she had arrived into work and the situation that had led to its creation. Even now, as it suddenly came crashing back to her, she felt almost protected by the isolation of her office; her voluntary solitary confinement had gone some way to ensure the feeling that it all remained detached from where she was at that moment in time. She thanked God (or whoever was out there) for small mercies.

Returning to the top file that she had placed in front of her only seconds before, hoping to return to the freedom of monotony, she was interrupted by the slow opening of her office door.

"Dr. Foster..." Heidi sounded almost apologetic and Gillian realised that the apology she had imbued in her voice earlier had evidently not cancelled out her snappish tone.

Plastering a smile on her face, hoping that it passed for genuine, she raised her head. "Yes, Heidi? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry to interrupt you when you're evidently busy but Dr. Lightman has called a few more times and he sounds like he would really like you to call him back". She almost shrugged in apology for providing Gillian with the information.

"I forgot that he had phoned", a small lie wouldn't hurt, "I'll call him right now. Thanks for letting me know. By the way, did he say where he was?"

"No, sorry. He didn't mention anything except that he wanted you to call him" She turned to the door and Gillian watched her return to her desk through her office door. _Yeh, I'm sure he wants me to call him...probably to give me every excuse under the sun. _She had hardly ever doubted someone's sincerity and yet she was struggling to give Cal any kind of leeway, not after all they had discussed and every agreement they had come to. He had gone too far this time, she was sure of it, and she wasn't sure how far she was willing to extend the rope in order for him to re-attach himself to her.

She also couldn't figure out why he still hadn't been in the office. Despite her attempt to immerse herself in her work (and she had been largely successful), part of her had been relying on his sudden and unwelcome barging entrance into her office. The fact that he hadn't made her angrier although there was a part of her (and that part was being slowly pushed back by the angrier half of her brain) that wondered why he hadn't come to see her in the office. Surely having left her in her apartment and knowing her refusal to have time away from work, he could have logically assumed that the office was where she'd be.

_Evidently he doesn't care that much._ She could hear the petulant tone in her thoughts and wished to suppress it and yet she knew she was justified in her hurt and anger and she wasn't ready to let it go; not until she had seen him and she could demand an explanation for his behaviour.

Once again reaching towards the phone, she began to dial his number.

After two rings, she heard a rustling noise on the other end and something that sounded remarkably like a boat's horn. Despite her curiosity, she waited for him to say the first word.

"Foster..." she couldn't tell if the strain in his voice was due to her call or whether he had been running. Either way, her levels of curiosity were suddenly peaked and she felt herself getting angrier at Cal for it.

"Yes" abrupt, to the point, she wasn't going to give him anything until she had heard some reason to.

"Listen, love" she knew it was a colloquialism, a term of endearment maybe, but after the night before she had started to think that it might have begun to mean more. Evidently she'd been wrong. She snorted slightly. "I...look...I know you're angry, or hurt. Maybe both. I don't know. I'm...I'm an arse and I'm sorry that I left this morning. Believe me, I didn't want to. I wanted to be there when you woke up...I wanted to be there to make you breakfast, love. But..." Despite her anger, her hurt, her tummy clenched at his words, revelling in the affection in his tone. She shook her head, removing the thoughts from her head. She wasn't going to make it that easy for him. "I freaked out a little bit. I got a little bit scared...I...look, I don't want to do this over the phone. I want to be able to tell you face to face. And...I can understand if you don't want to come and see me but...even if you don't want to...have me...I still need to sort this out. Okay? Please let me?"

"Where are you?" There was no warmth in her voice and she thought, for the first time that day, that she was a lot harder than she had always thought she was. Having your heart kicked around like a football evidently went a long way in making that hard temperament a reality. Maybe she was more like Cal than she had previously thought. _Huh, first time for everything. A lot of firsts today._

She heard him clear his throat and could tell that he was pacing. He always did that when he was nervous. Damn her for knowing him so well.

"I'm down at the river. Join me?"

"I'll be there in half an hour" She hung up, she wasn't ready to say anything more over the phone. It was more important that it was face to face as Cal had said. Only then could she tell him exactly how her heart felt like it had been ripped out of her body and was now sitting somewhere in a jar, Cal holding it hostage.

***

She had decided to walk. Despite her mood, and the fact that the weather seldom fit her emotional state, the sun was shining brightly and the cool winter wind had taken a hiatus for the day. She was thankful, the brisk cold of the day allowed her a certain clarity.

Her hands deep in the pockets of her favourite cream coat, her head lowered in deep thought, she almost yelped when she bumped into Cal.

The corners of his mouth rose slightly but quickly subsided when he fully looked at her face. Looking closely, she could tell that he was reading her. Instead of turning her head, as she often did under his intense study, she didn't hesitate from looking him straight in the face. Her strident attitude seemed to faze him a bit and it pleased her. She wanted to surprise him; show him that she was a little different that day from the woman she had been last night.

He retreated from her brazenness, looking almost defeated, like she had told him to go to hell. Maybe even she was unaware of what her facial features were portraying. She almost didn't care.

Except she couldn't deny that she hadn't really changed that much, she was still the Gillian Foster that he had left that morning. A bit of her hurt must have shown through her anger then because he once again entered her personal space, his face coming to rest directly in front of her own.

"Foster..." he almost whispered her name and she felt her skin tingle in reaction despite desire being the last emotion that she wanted to show Cal in that moment. Thankfully, and she was sure it wasn't because he hadn't noticed, he chose to ignore her reaction.

"I don't want to leave anymore time for this to separate us even further than it already has. I want you to know, first off, that I am more sorry than I have ever been..."

She turned her head, making a small _humph _noise.

"Wait" he gently turned her face towards him, his hand grasping her chin lightly, "I know you've heard it all before...more in these past few days than I'm sure you've ever wanted to...but I need to say it again because it's true. I didn't mean to hurt you this morning by leaving. I'm so used to thinking about myself, being the selfish bastard that I am, that I didn't even think twice about leaving you because I got scared" she noticed the disgust in his face, recognised it through the solid mask that he so often put between himself and the rest of the world, because she had seen it before. "And I want you to know why I got scared. Not to justify my actions, I know there's no justification for that. But I was lying there, next to you, looking at your beautiful face and it terrified me that I could hurt you worse than I have ever done before. And I don't want to hurt you, Gill" he looked directly into her eyes and she saw the sincerity there in his, "I don't want to lose you as my friend...my best friend. So I did the thing that seemed most logical to me and I left" he moved his hand from her chin and grasped her arms with both of his hands.

"You..." her voice cracked and she looked away from him for a second, re-gaining her composure. She cleared her throat. "You left because you thought you would hurt me?" she was incredulous and she knew he could see it. "Don't you think I was scared? Don't you think I was worried about what would happen to us, happen to our friendship, to our business? I was scared too, Cal. But I didn't run away from my fear, I faced it and I was dumb enough to think that I would wake up this morning with you lying next to me and it would be a whole new life for us. We could both start again...with each other" A tear escaped from her right eye and she removed her arm from his grip and swiped it away. She hated crying when she angry, it always seemed so illogical.

"I know it doesn't seem logical, I know it hurt you. I hate myself for that. I hate that I would hurt you when the thing I was trying to do by leaving was to stop from hurting you. Seems like the stupidest idea in the world now"

"Why didn't you come to the office?"

Her change of topic stunned him slightly and it took him a couple of seconds to sort his thoughts.

"I came down here to think. I come here sometimes when my mind's a bit screwed up. Reminds me of home a bit, at least it does when I close my eyes and listen to the water"

For a second she didn't know what to say, it was seldom that Cal ever talked about himself so personally.

In the reprieve from their conversation, he had moved towards the water's edge, his hands in his pockets, his foot drawing patterns in the soft ground. She moved to stand next to him, looking out over the water and noticing, for the first time it seemed, the gaggle of geese that were slowly wading through the water, throwing ripples through the calm surface.

"I'm not very good at this, Gill. I fuck most relationships up...you've seen it, you know it, you've been there to pick up my end of the pieces when I've done it again and again. And" he looked towards her and sensing his eyes on her, she turned in his direction, "I didn't want to do that to you. You mean so much to me, I can't even begin to explain to myself how much you mean to me, never-mind explain it to you. And it all felt so right last night, it was honestly one of the best nights of my life and I wouldn't change it for anything. But when I woke up next to you, everything I've ever done wrong in my life flashed before me and I didn't want you to be one of those images. Not because you'd be wrong but because _I'd _be the one to screw it up, I'd be the one to make it from something so right into something that we both would want to run away from. And you deserve better....I'm a coward, I know that but in all my stupidly misplaced best intentions, I thought I was doing the right thing for you. I'm sorry. It's the last time I'll say it to you because I'm not going to hurt you anymore." He looked away, once more finding his feet in his gaze.

Gillian looked out over the water, wondering how it was that she could love a man who got it so wrong and yet be the most intelligent, caring, observant man that she had ever met. She wondered as well how she could go from being angrier than she had ever thought possible to wanting to take this man into her arms and never letting go. God, Cal Lightman drove her crazy.

"Cal. I want you to listen to me because this is the only time I'm going to say this. I was so _pissed off_ at you this morning that I pushed all of my hurt away and decided to just hate you. I got into work and I dove into my work and I tried not to think of what it felt like to have you kiss me and touch me and hold me and...make _love _to me. And I almost did it. And then I come here and you say some of the stupidest things I've ever heard you say. I mean, really, Cal? You were trying to protect me from you? How stupid do you think I am? Do you think I'm just someone that lets _anyone _into my bed, that lets anyone into my _heart_? God, Cal. You drive me crazy and I've never been so frustrated with one person...ever...and yet you're the one person that I imagine...that I _want _to imagine spending the rest of my life with. It was never going to be easy, nothing in this life ever is but I want to go through those tough times with you. Kissing me and holding me and making love to me. Do you understand, Cal? I chose you because I had no choice in the matter. I love you and I'm not going to give that up, give you up, just because we're both scared. It's not worth it and I'm too old for that shit now. Okay? Cal?"

He was staring at her intensely and she began to worry that she had said too much, that maybe he didn't really feel the same way that she did...

"Did you just say 'too old for that shit', love??" he smirked and she couldn't help but laugh in return.

"Yup. I am too old for this shit Cal Lightman. And if I'm too old then you definitely are too old. Ancient even." Her levity surprised her when she thought of how angry she had been only five minutes before. They both held onto the other's gaze for a few seconds and then Cal cleared his throat and she realised that there was more to sort out, more to move past.

"I love you, Gill. It terrifies me, it honestly does. And I'm not going to stop making mistakes. Like I said before, I'm going to try and make sure I never hurt you again but I can't promise that I'm not going to do something that will make you angry or frustrated or...whatever else. I'm an arse, it's in my nature. But I'm not going to run away, not like I did this morning. I don't want to ever lose you. I just wasn't sure how to sort that out in my head this morning. You might have to be patient with me though, love."

"I'm a very patient woman. It's one of my many virtues."

"Well maybe you can pass some of that onto me then...seriously, love, can we make this right, make it work?" His mask had slipped, she was sure intentionally, and she could see the hesitation, the fear and the anguish, it was all laid clear before her and she was sure that was the first time she had fully seen a range of emotions on Cal's face. It made her soul warm.

"We can only try, Cal. That's the only promise we can make to each other, that we won't give up easily when things get a little tough, like they're bound to. Okay? Because if we're both not willing to try then we can just go back to being friends, being partners. Nothing else. You've got to give yourself over, I'm not going to do it for you."

Moving to stand once again in her personal space, he slowly raised his hand to rest on her cheek. Taking her hand in his other, he looked down to their intertwined fingers.

"Okay..." he whispered it so quietly that she almost missed it. Lifting his chin so that his eyes met hers, she marvelled at how she had been wishing earlier that she was a little bit more like him, wondering whether it would be a good thing to be like him. Maybe a little brasher, a little more arrogant, a little more forward.

Moving closer to him, her hand moving from his chin to tangle in his hair at the nape of his neck, she realised that it would maybe be good for both of them to be a little more like each other.

"Hey." She said softly.

"Hey, love" he replied, equally as quietly.

"Let's try this again. This time, no running away. No hiding from it either. If we're going to do this then we need to do it together."

"Just you and me, love. You scared?"

"Terrified. But I know you've got me. That's enough." She closed the distance between them and found his lips with her own.

It was going to be okay.

***


End file.
